Caste Aside: Parents Defy Rule To Raise Children
By Jessica Ablamsky
Sujit Dhakal has tried to protect his son from the consequences of the
sin that began his child's life, one that Dhakal no longer believes is
wrong.
To Sujit Dhakal's father, the sin was unforgivable, earning the young
man the enmity of his entire close-knit clan. Eventually, it cost him
everything.
A small, bespectacled man, Dhakal's words come quickly. His mind moves quicker.
Nearly half a world from Nepal, where he was raised, he and his wife
Ranu share a small Elmhurst apartment with their 8-month-old daughter
Samriddhi, and 7-year-old son Samarpan.
Samarpan means sacrifice, Dhakal explained. The name is a constant
reminder to the couple that their sacrifices made his life possible.
"He is the symbol of our love," Dhakal said.
One of the world's oldest religions, Hinduism's ancient caste-based
prejudices thrive in Nepal's largely orthodox society. Dhakal and
Ranu's story is perhaps the world's oldest, the stuff that fairy tales
are made of.
The first-born son from an elite caste, Dhakal was expected to marry a
fellow Brahmin. Instead, he fell in love with a woman from the lower
Newar caste. Although Ranu was not untouchable, she was an
unacceptable choice for marriage.
The two met on the job. The deputy editor of a newspaper, Dhakal was
assigned to oversee intern Ranu's work. Despite their different
upbringings, they had values and views in common.
"She has a very good nature," Dhakal said. "She is so calm. She always
helps people. She has that kind of heart."
When he proposed, it was to a woman he loved without ever having kissed.
"Once I tried, and she said, 'No, you cannot until we are married,'" he said.
Ranu and Dhakal married in 2000 and fled to the U.S. six months later.
The couples' experience is not unique. The Nepali constitution may
outlaw caste-based oppression, but couples that dare to marry outside
their caste face severe harassment, forced separation and social
isolation.
Like Sarita Chaudhary and her husband Taulan Kohar. In April, a
government minister forced them to separate because her husband was
from a lower caste, according to a report from the International Dalit
Solidarity Network.
Unlike untouchables, the lowest caste, Ranu can actually set food
inside a temple where Brahmins pray, or engage in casual conversation.
But an orthodox Brahmin will not touch any utensils or flatware that
she has touched.
The mismatched marriage shocked the Dhakal family, but Dhakal was not
a rebellious youth in thought or deed.
When he was growing up, Dhakal considered normal such treatment of
their untouchable housekeepers. It was his intercaste romance that
inspired a new way of thinking.
Ranu never wanted to come between Dhakal and his family, but he
assured her, "I can give up my family for you."
Although he hoped things would be different, after he proposed, Ranu's
worst fears came true. "If you get married, you are dead to me," his
father said after the couple's two-year courtship.
Despite his pleas, no one from his family attended their wedding. Not
even his young nephews, whose inclusion Dhakal begged for. He has
since been disinherited.
"I knew when I got married that this would be the consequence," he
said. "I challenged him. I broke his tradition. I humiliated him in
the eyes of society. I don't need the property anyway."
Discussing his wife, Dhakal proclaims repeatedly that love has no
boundaries. Unfortunately, his family's treatment of his new wife
presented an insurmountable obstacle. With his family, Ranu could not
hold her head up high, something Dhakal could not tolerate.
"After we were married, there was not a condition that she could have
stayed," he said. "When it comes time to serve the food, she is
excluded; any ritual, religious thing."
Now, it is their son who is suffering the consequences of their
untraditional marriage.
In Hinduism, the most important event in a boy's life is a coming of
age ritual known as Bratabandha. A purification, it makes a boy a full
participant in religious life. Without it, he cannot take part in any
religious ceremonies.
Dhakal's ceremony took place at the holiest site in Nepal, a shrine
dedicated to the goddess Sita, in the region said to be her
birthplace. This is what he wanted for his son.
They planned to send Samarpan to Nepal with Ranu's father, where the
boy would go through the ceremony. When word reached local orthodox
religious organizations, Samarpan's life was threatened, and the trip
was quickly cancelled.
Instead, Samarpan will go through Bratabandha in the United States,
where he is safe.
The children might visit Nepal someday, Dhakal said.
"I don't want them to experience a society that does not accept them," he said.
His mission now is to advocate for the end of caste-based oppression.
"I will be the advocate of intercaste," Dhakal said. "There should be
no barrier [to love]."
Reach Reporter Jessica Ablamsky at jablamsky@queenstribune.com or
(718) 357-7400, Ext. 124.
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